I woke up this morning feeling restless. And if I am honest it didn’t just start this morning. In fact, the past couple weeks I have been simmering in a low level of anxiety as I bob from one life drama to another. At the start of the year it was school/work issues. Those kinda got handled and then it was friendship-relationship issues. Then those sorta got dealt with and then came author issues. And these definitely have not been dealt with. In fact, as I sit her typing this I am trying to ignore the unease that comes from knowing that I am less than 6 months from the deadline for my fourth novel and I haven’t even written a chapter yet. I certainly hope my editor doesn’t read this.
The truth is I am struggling. Struggling to be motivated. Struggling to hold on to the contentment I have been praying for. Struggling to get back to the point where I know the words that flow from my fingers are God’s. Struggling to have a purpose instead of being caught up just doing stuff. Struggling to feel like my actions are relevant. And this morning, when I woke up and there were no words in my head to write, I felt that struggle more than ever before.
And then my Chinese Canadian friend Wai, who lives on the other side of Canada, inspired me without even knowing it, and helped me hear what God was saying.
They are words that I have said to my kids when they are antagonizing each other and things are about to get out of control; words I have said to my mom, when she is about to get worked up about something that will not change by her getting worked up. But this morning God said it to me. Just stop. Stop with the to-do lists. Stop with the endless planning and forecasting and disaster preparing. Stop with the worrying, with the struggling. Just stop.
Instead, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28)
Then He asked, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” (Luke 12:27, 28)
Then He promised, “Come near to God and he will come near to you…” James 4:8
Essentially, just stop and spend time with Me.
And so that’s what I have decided to do today: ignore my to-do list; turn off my notifications; log out of my email for a while and just spend time with Him. Already, I’m feeling better.